Maybe you’ve seen the new “Poop Cruise” documentary on Netflix. It’s the story of a once-deluxe vessel whose electrical systems went haywire until a river of raw sewage wound up running through the halls. It’s basically the Milwaukee Bucks at sea, and Damian Lillard just came off the s(t)inking ship smelling like Chanel No. 5. 

To recap: The Bucks, out of absolutely nowhere, agreed to a four-year, $107 million contract with Myles Turner on Tuesday, which they paid for by waiving Lillard and stretching the remaining $113 million left on his contract over the next five years. 

If you aren’t familiar with the waive/stretch mechanics of an NBA contract, it goes like this: Instead of paying Lillard, who likely won’t play all of next season thanks to the torn Achilles he suffered in the playoffs, $54.1 million this coming season and $58.6 million the season after that, the Bucks just signed up to stretch those payments over the next five years to reduce their ’25-26 payroll enough to add Turner and get Lillard off the team. 

Do the math, and Lillard is going to get paid $22.5 million every year for the next five years to NOT play for the Bucks. Hell, he doesn’t have to play for anyone. The man could disappear to Turks and Caicos and cash checks between trips to the bar for the next half decade.

He’s not going to do that, of course. At least I don’t think he’s going to, although who could blame him if he did. What he’s going to do is rehab his Achilles in peace for the next year while he decides where he wants to play next. Suddenly, the entire league is open to him as his salary is no longer a problem. He can play for peanuts because the Bucks will be wiring him millions like some sort of trust-fund college kid still on daddy’s dime. 

According to The Athletic, Lillard is “elated” with how this has shaken out. You think? Yesterday he was stuck in Milwaukee, an increasingly septic basketball situation, and today, as the rest of the passengers fought for what little fresh air remained with no rescue mission in sight, a helicopter showed up to airlift him out and take him to whatever all-inclusive destination his Hall-of-Fame heart desires. 

So where will it be, Dame? Our Sam Quinn pumped out five teams that would, on various levels, make sense for Lillard as an aging by still very good player: Portland (he gets to go home), Miami (his preferred destination when he was first traded), Denver (play with Nikola Jokic but in a lower-usage role as Jamal Murray’s very overqualified backup), Cleveland (perhaps his best chance to win a title), and Minnesota (where he would seemingly slot right in as the starting point guard on team already equipped with a superstar and a defense to insulate him). 

But there are others. What about Boston? In two years, he’d be playing with Jayson Tatum, Jaylen Brown and Derrick White. What about Orlando? The only thing between that team and top-tier contention is a really good point guard. What about Houston, where he would have the same situation he would have in Minnesota with a superstar sidekick and an elite defense? What about the Warriors? He’s from Oakland. What about the Spurs? He could back up De’Aaron Fox and ride the Wemby train into upper-class contention. 

We could do this all day, because while a fifty-million-dollar Dame is a hard puzzle piece to fit, Lillard on a vet-minimum salary, or anything close to it, might be the greatest talent-to-value ratio in NBA history. There isn’t a single team that wouldn’t want him at that kind of value. It’s entirely up to him. 

Thanks again, Bucks, for a real mensch move. You’re going to be financially crippled for the next half decade as you pay a player that isn’t even on your team $113 million, and Giannis Antetokounmpo could still be about five months from demanding a trade, but hey, you got Myles Turner! 

Now, let’s be clear about this: Turner is a really good player. He’s going to get dragged in the criticism of this decision not because he’s not a good player, but because he’s not a good enough player to justify stretching Lillard’s contract just to drum up some short-term funding. If you’re going to pay as heavily as the Bucks are going to pay for this in the long term, you better be getting a superstar player. The juice of Turner just isn’t, as they say, worth the substantial squeeze that just got put on Milwaukee’s books

Give the Bucks credit for one thing: They have consistently taken the big swing. Fans loves to criticize front offices who have a superstar in house yet refuse to prioritize the present. The Bucks have thrown their future, along with all caution, into the wind with three major moves in the Giannis era. 

First they traded for Jrue Holiday. It cost them dearly, but they won a championship. Then when the buzz of that victory started to wear off and the threat of Giannis leaving filtered back into the rumor mill, they made the move for Lillard. That was a little bit of a desperate move, but under the circumstances it still made sense. Or least you could argue it that way. 

But this Turner move? This is beyond desperate. This is delusional. Even in the Eastern Conference, and even if Giannis stays, this doesn’t make the Bucks anything close to a contender. So you’re mortgaging everything for, maybe, a four or five seed and second-round bounce? Kyle Kuzma might be Milwaukee’s third-best player, people. This is a disaster. And it’s only going to get worse. 

Except for Lillard, who just hit the basketball lottery. Now it’s just a matter of where he wants to go to cash the ticket.